Self-pity is the core of having a victim mentality. There are at least 4 dangers of allowing oneself to sit in self-pity.
- Self-pity makes you out to be the victim when you are the perpetrator
- Self-pity keeps you focused on yourself
- Self-pity keeps you from analyzing and taking steps to change
- Self-pity promotes the idea that there is something inherently wrong with you
Self-pity makes you out to be the victim when you are the perpetrator
When one wallows in self pity they are taking on the role of victim. When an abuser or addict does something harmful and then recoils to the cave of self-pity upon facing the conseuqence of their actions they are shifting the balme from themsselve to something external.
Sometimes that blames goes to the “addict”. Sorry, but you are the addict is not some separate being that exists outside of the addict himself. Sometimes the blame goes to the partner. The partner’s pain causes the addict or abuser to feel pain, so it is the pain of the partner (according to the abuser) that is causing the pain for everyone. It doesn’t make sense when written out, but that is what perpetrators tells themselves.
That pain, which is the result of abuse or acting out, is caused by the perpetrator. The perpetrator is not the victim. Any thinking that allows the abuser or addict to feel that way is abusive thinking.
Self-pity keeps you focused on yourself
When a partner acts out or abuses they are choosing not to allow the consequences of what they are about to do to influence their decision making. It is a choice. It is selfish.
When the perpetrator of the pain then goes into a place of self-pity they are thinking only about themselves and their pain. It is selfish. The very same mentality that led to them choosing to harm their partner in the first place.
Self-pity keeps you from analyzing and taking steps to change
The dark cave of self-pity has no tools for recovery. There is nothing there that will help someone who hurt someone else to stop hurting. There are, however, many tools that will perpetuate that pain.
When an abuser or addict really wants to move forward they will not have room for self-pity. There will be no opportunity to go wallow. The key to analyzing what happened is to see the outcome of the choices that were made. That can’t be done in the cave of self-pity.
Self-pity promotes the idea that there is something inherently wrong with you
An an abuser or an addict is not broken. They have chosen to think, oftentimes at a young age, wrongly. The idea that an abuser or addict is broken is very appealing for the abuser or addict. It means escaping responsibility. They can blame it on their brokenness. But it is a lie.
They are not broken. They made choices, and continue to make choices, that harm others and themselves. They can change how they act if they are willing to change how they think. Schedule a free session today to learn how changing how you think can help you find the lasting success you are looking for.