Being in your own head for too long can be a dangerous place to spend your time
If you aren’t willing to write it down or talk about it you shouldn’t be thinking it.
Abusers, including those who act our sexually, use self talk to justify and rationalize actions and thoughts that are harmful to themselves and others. The cycle can be maddening. It is this self talk that makes men feel like they are 2 different people sometimes.
This, however, is no justification. In the end, we make choices.
Self talk differs from considering options. When we mentally consider our options we are laying out the pros and cons, we are thinking about immediate and future consequences.
Self talk is usually short and we use words like, “at least” or, “I deserve” or, “just this once” or, “but…”. We are not considering how our intended choices will harm those we profess to love or ourselves.
It isn’t really a conversation at all, we have a intended desire and we are trying to convince ourselves that what we want is okay.
How do we stop self talk?
Here are a few strategies:
- Write an email to your coach or therapist
- Call a friend and talk about what you are thinking
- Write in a journal, using specific words and phrases going through you mind
- If you can recognize easily the deceptive nature of our thinking, change your environment (go on a walk, stand up and stretch, do some push ups)
The most important step
Once you have gotten out of the self talk you need to record the lies that you were attempting to tell yourself.
After you identify the lies you need to tell the truth about it to yourself. Also record this. Write it down. Let is sink in.
Ex. “I deserve to yell at the kids because they were disobeying me”. There are a few lies here. 1) I deserve to yell. You never deserve to yell. If your child is in danger it is your obligation to protect them if needed, but you NEVER deserve to yell. 2) Yelling will make your kids want to okay you. It simply isn’t true. 3) Your kids should always listen to you. They are KIDS. They won’t. Let them be kids.
What is the truth? The truth is that your KIDS deserve to have a Father who respects them. Your kids have a right to be treated with patience and love as they are learning. Your kids deserve a Father who will speak with kindness. Yelling doesn’t teach, it destroys. It is your obligation to set a good example for your kids by NOT yelling.
If you never go as far as finding the lies behind the self talk and reframing those lies to the truth you will continue to live in your head and eventually give in to those lies.
I can help you change how you think. Set up your free session today.