as of like 7 seconds ago
- “I have seen the light”
- “I am a different person now”
- “I don’t do that anymore”
- “Remember when I used to…”
Have you said or heard someone say something like the above quotes without any real change happening? If so, read on and figure out why .
I call this the entitlement of spurious change. Spurious means something like counterfeit. It can look or even feel like real change, but it isn’t.
There is something about change that men who lie, cheat, abuse, act out sexually, etc. do not understand. A person who is actually changing doesn’t need to say it. It is the man who doesn’t actually change that compiles scores and scores of evidence in his mind ready to convince (another word for control) his wife that he is making progress. Progress, though, is felt, not heard. And for you abusers who just thought, “I do feel different”. Your partner is the one who will feel it, not you.
The entitlement exists in the fact that men expect their partners to believe that they have changed, just because they said so or just because they feel that they have.
But, wait there is more. They also expect their partner to believe them when they say, “Well, I hadn’t changed yet, when I did that really abusive thing, that’s why I did it”.
So on the one hand the partner must believe that he has changed when he says so and on the other had she must believe that he hadn’t actually changed when he later changed his mind. But this isn’t reason enough to disbelieve that he actually has changed now. Confused yet?
The other destructive element of change abuse is that the man expects to receive forgiveness once he has declared his change. He is in effect saying, I am not accountable for anything I did because I am no longer that man.
So where is the truth.
The truth lies in outcomes. Abusive men, just look at those around you. Are they still being hurt by you? You haven’t changed.
Partners of abusers, are you still being hurt? He hasn’t changed.
Change must be sustained over an extended period of time before safety can be established.
If there was a formula for change it would look something like this: O + T = C
Outcome + Time (meaning how long the outcome has been sustained for) = Change
Us abusers love to say, “no one can be perfect”. Our wives are not looking for perfection, they are looking for someone who will consistently be kind. If we cannot commit to a lifestyle of being consistently kind then we do not deserve to be with the people we profess to love.
If you are still hurting your family, even if you don’t think it’s really your fault, schedule a free session.